This thing called you and I

I am a fraud. I am a fake, a charlatan, imposter, phony and please don't make me pull out my thesaurus and start finding more words about who I am.

I’m the person who is sick to death with life but is making strides in improving it, in her own way. I’m intolerant and lackluster. I would rather watch a quality film then go out on a date, have coffee with a friend or go to any kind of sporting event. I usually find solace in booze but even that is getting boring. So the booze kick is now on hold indefinitely. See, that's the thing with me; when things become uninteresting or unappealing to me, I throw them away. I get them out of my life because they stopped serving a purpose. Will I go back? It's possible. Things have started organizing themselves. The universe usually takes care of that for me. The change has begun.

Seeing you on the elevator, I tried to ask you a question. It didn't work and it was because I had a massive crush on you. Seeing you made my heart skip a beat and my stomach sick. I tried to gain composure and I accomplished that, almost with ease and precision because that’s why I do when I have a crush. I go to great lengths to conceal how I feel and I do it. I don't think you noticed. I don't think you ever did or will. Actually, that's a relief to me. I wouldn't know how to act with you if I had you. Even being in the same room with you I feel your presence at 30 feet away from me. It's humbling and maddening and I don't enjoy it. It's that loss of control that maddens me. I am with the guys that are mediocre; they don't bring that out, my extreme vulnerability. They don't make my heart get excited, they are not very interesting or fun but they are safe. Safe. It's a sad world that I can't talk to you about how I feel and when I have spoken to you about anything through various lines of communication, I come off as commonplace, decrepit, and bonkers and that makes me scared and frustrated. What would happen if I got you alone? What if you enjoyed it? What if I did too? What if we were so happy it finally was there and so scared it was going to go away. I miss those feelings. Those feelings I don't think I ever really had anyway.

God I sound like a fucking psycho.