oh how true

"It isn't enough for your heart to break because everybody's heart is broken now."
Ginsberg, Allen

what if it shatters in your chest and all the little pieces absorb into your body causing waves of sharp pain that wash over you followed by troughs of numbing calm which are almost in there own way more disturbing.

short list of people in tv commercials i want to strangle

I have always had an adverse reaction to the 'commercial family,' cheery mom (clearly taking the kids ritalin) who despite 4 children appears to be in her early 20's and a size 2, stocky, burly (aka fat) husband shocked by the high tech duster his wife has, 3 children who if examined closely seem to be of different racial backgrounds but whose sole purpose is to get either freakishly excited about the 'product,' or are sullen and angst only to be foiled by the housewife mother and strong paper towels.
ah, and the tween daughter appears to be older than her bouncy blonde mother, who in turn is freakishly attached to her blue collar fat men.

regardless of this specific, insane analytical breakdown of how this family prototype reflects nothing resembling reality despite the fact that they are all, say for instance, pummeling a neighbor over whose hotdog is plumper.

the people who irk me the most is not these mock degenerate families ( oh my god that is just like us, i watch because i identify), but the precipice of irk, the zenith of vexation is the the faux rock commercial, and the girl really excited about an inane object or product.

for example the time warner "i got cable" pseudo hip rocking jingle, which has such hubris that it seems to truly believe that i think that a real band did this or that douche-bags jingling will drive my ambition to animatedly talk on the phone in an apt. that clearly is 10,000$ a month.
digital phone will not do this for you.
cable will not either.

the next advertising induced homicidal impulse strikes like a cobra.
biting at the ankles of the dannon yogurt ladies. more insipid and misogynistic then any skin magazine, this duo of assholes, find that anything is merely a distraction from their yogurt.
their yogurt that they bring everywhere, like to weddings (open bar and 4 course meal abandoned and it's dazzling presence only a back drop for the yogurt.
a product which stayed cold in their bra or down their pants.
"better than never wearing a bridesmaid dress again good,"
not better than drowning you in your beloved yogurt.
compounded by my irrational anger directed at two commercial actresses who struck the holy tav advertising trinity.
i reoccurring role in a commercial.
making bank for being less appealing than a nude teddy ruxpin doll.

on to arm-pits, i watch network tv rarely, yet this image permeates every commercial break and like a parasite has imbued itself to all stations, local, network etc.
the most annoying person ever is freakishly excited about her deodorant.
so pumped in fact that she accosts strangers with hi-fives, salutes and any number of pit exposing actions.
i have seen out patients from psych wards behave like this,
when they goes off the meds.

any number of people in mentos commercials.

people who rinse out a sheet of paper towel for reuse.

assholes

and then the 1990's bit me in the ass...

1) back in school: check
2) moved back home: check
3) uncontrollable urge to dye hair with manic panic found in closet: check
4) offered 'e' pill by friend while drinking in basement on long island: check

yep it's 1999...
the pill is in the bottom of my purse, I am not quite sure what to do with it.
a friend who I have known for over a decade was musing about throwing a 1993 bbq to celebrate his moving to ny ( I think it's actually to celebrate his platonic man love for another mutual friend, who doesn't know his anniversary date with his girlfriend of 5 years, just his straight male bf, this is just conjecture.)
in 1993 I transfered in to public school (HHS go devils... this may be the first time I have uttered this) from a jewish parochial school on long island. clearly wanting to dress to impress this new brood of economically and racially diverse cohorts I carefully planned my first day of school outfit.
white denim GAP short shorts, a flannel sleeveless green plaid shirt tied at the waist and a choker made of fabric daisies.
hey weirdo, why do you remember that???
well deprecatory inner-monologue, because this was a new chapter of my life, rife with catholics and new friends, some of who are still my best gals to this very day. this was the first chapter in my personal new testament a gospel of teen angst, oddly dyed hair, blue christmas lights, smoking pot out of empty coke cans at carnivals, exile to guyville on repeat, half-assed vegetarianism, first kisses and heart breaking crushes.
and river phoenix, who my 10th grade year book is dedicated to (not formally) where on the first page the school has been x'd out with a sharpie and glue on top is headshot of river followed by an epitaph also in sharpie.

in his picture river is also wearing a sleeveless flannel.
maybe I was more on point then I knew?

This isn't real. You know what it is? It's St. Elmo's Fire. Electric flashes of light that appear in dark skies out of nowhere

My dreams involve me combing my hair

The funny thing about George Michael is that I loved him when I was a girl and I also had a thing for Boy George. I’ll Tumble For Ya, not written with a woman in mind. Father Figure, not for a girl either. I have finally left the days where I found gay men attractive in a sexual way. Quite honestly, I have not fancied a man without some sort of 5-o'clock shadow and a chip on his shoulder in almost long as I can remember. I take that back. David had a boulder on his shoulder and sounded a bit femme on the telephone. I still don't regret leaving him.

I am watching the World Trade Center episode of the Simpsons. It chills me for the bone. I really wish I had a pipe to smoke to relax me. Sarah, I told you today I will start smoking a pipe. I had one a long time ago and enjoyed it. I will purchase a wonderful Stanwell pipe filled with delicious cherry tobacco that reminds me of boarding school. That will be my next investment. I have to decide if I want to buy an Estate pipe or a New pipe. The idea of a stranger breaking in my pipe kind of scares me, but breaking in a new pipe is a pain in the ass. These are things I will contemplate throughout the evening. I will buy the pipe tomorrow along with some teeth whitener.

I wrote a 6-word story for a co-worker and new friend. Revenge is on the phone again. Hemingway always inspires me. His was as follows; for Sale: Baby Shoes. Never worn. I know, mine was better.