This thing called you and I

I am a fraud. I am a fake, a charlatan, imposter, phony and please don't make me pull out my thesaurus and start finding more words about who I am.

I’m the person who is sick to death with life but is making strides in improving it, in her own way. I’m intolerant and lackluster. I would rather watch a quality film then go out on a date, have coffee with a friend or go to any kind of sporting event. I usually find solace in booze but even that is getting boring. So the booze kick is now on hold indefinitely. See, that's the thing with me; when things become uninteresting or unappealing to me, I throw them away. I get them out of my life because they stopped serving a purpose. Will I go back? It's possible. Things have started organizing themselves. The universe usually takes care of that for me. The change has begun.

Seeing you on the elevator, I tried to ask you a question. It didn't work and it was because I had a massive crush on you. Seeing you made my heart skip a beat and my stomach sick. I tried to gain composure and I accomplished that, almost with ease and precision because that’s why I do when I have a crush. I go to great lengths to conceal how I feel and I do it. I don't think you noticed. I don't think you ever did or will. Actually, that's a relief to me. I wouldn't know how to act with you if I had you. Even being in the same room with you I feel your presence at 30 feet away from me. It's humbling and maddening and I don't enjoy it. It's that loss of control that maddens me. I am with the guys that are mediocre; they don't bring that out, my extreme vulnerability. They don't make my heart get excited, they are not very interesting or fun but they are safe. Safe. It's a sad world that I can't talk to you about how I feel and when I have spoken to you about anything through various lines of communication, I come off as commonplace, decrepit, and bonkers and that makes me scared and frustrated. What would happen if I got you alone? What if you enjoyed it? What if I did too? What if we were so happy it finally was there and so scared it was going to go away. I miss those feelings. Those feelings I don't think I ever really had anyway.

God I sound like a fucking psycho.

Treachery is the greatest sin

I have a real problem with Sienna Miller and the entire fiasco is that it seems that we as a public are reveling in other peoples heartbreak. I trusted John Edwards and really liked him. His mistress is not even attractive. His wife is riddled with cancer and he's fucking some low level troll on his campaign. Don't get me started on the Olympics and George Bush. I might as well put a gun in my mouth.

I'm at work and I'm at my wits end with my mediocre position in the company. I'm biting my lip to the point where I taste the blood and I can't hide my frustration but I am so desperate to do so.

So I seek refuge in you. I might go smoke and contemplate a future where stupid people are shipped off to an island to neve be heard from again. I find solace in that thought.